The Understanding Gap

I’ve been inactive on this blog for quite some time. At a point I realized that almost every word I put down goes largely unheard. It’s a problem I experience every day. I speak and the words contain too much meaning for the average person to digest. My therapy sessions have dwindled down to the following repetitive formula:

  1. I express a thought about my life/humanity/psychology/philosophy. These thoughts are traditionally something I’ve tried to express to a loved one, a friend, my lawyer, random people, etc. I express my frustration that all these people never seem to gather my meaning when I do so.
  2. My therapist says that I have made a very interesting and valid point, often one that he has never seen in such a light. He reaffirms his assumption that my intellect is extremely high.
  3. He then goes on to tell me that the average person is incapable of understanding the meaning of what I say due to various emotional factors, and that they are most likely overwhelmed by the verbose nature of my manner of speaking. My intellect is overpowering their capacity to emotionally and logically process the information I present.
  4. I ask him how I can be simultaneously understood at a satisfying level, while maintaining the fragile emotions and ego of the average person. He can offer no solutions that are mutually beneficial. His job is not to help me bridge the communication gap between myself and the average person, but to make me more palatable to society. To give me the skills to be more average in appearance. I leave frustrated and wonder why I pay to enlighten my therapist.

From this weekly meeting I gather the following:

  1. I am bloody fucking brilliant. That isn’t just megalomania talking, my therapist is the one who reaffirms it every visit. The fact that he often cannot keep up with my level of conversation makes me question the value of his doctorate.
  2. The average person is woefully uneducated and has to first bypass the sad jumble of emotions they feel on a daily basis to be able to glean any sort of meaning out of what I express. In short, they can’t/ won’t/ are emotionally and intellectually unequipped to handle my output. So I am wasting valuable words on people who probably just think I’m a smug prick. You can lead a person to information, but you can’t make them think.
  3. The psychiatric community spends all of it’s time listening to people with differing levels of mental awareness speak their minds. Yet it seems they understand very little about the true minds of the speakers. We are simply curiosities that they file by a rough template of symptoms, but they are working under a model of general assumptions and not a true understanding of the individual. I started therapy because I was confused and lost. Now that I know what I have, my therapist is confused and lost as to how to help me. Good for diagnosis, not so good for anything else.

So in general I waste far too many words in a week. My attempts to communicate with people are destined to be a substantial waste of time and energy. Time spent trying to gain the most simple of goals…mutual understanding. It has become quite clear that I am giving miniature lectures to people that might as well be chimpanzees. People do not understand me, and people fear what they do not understand. Why not use that to my advantage? If I can’t make them understand me, perhaps it is more advantageous to make them fear me. Fear is a wonderful motivator. It is ingrained in their DNA. So why not experiment with the effect that fear has on them? Perhaps I’ll find a more receptive audience in that fashion. It will certainly be more pleasurable from my vantage point.

The Understanding Gap

Autism Speaks Walk, Iowa, June 13th

As the title suggests I am registered as a one man team to advocate and raise money for people on the autism spectrum. I know a lot of you don’t know me, but I hope you can find it in your hearts to donate as little as five bucks to aid in research and programs for lives profoundly affected by Autism. The link is http://www.walknowforautismspeaks.org/iowa, then you click on the link to Donate for a Walker and look me up. My name is Jason O’Leary. It may be too late for me to get the help I need to succeed in society, but it isn’t for the millions of people who get get diagnosed every year as being part of the Autism Spectrum. Tell your family, tell your friends. Im stepping out into the light to fight for our cause, and I need your help to do it.

Autism Speaks Walk, Iowa, June 13th

Buffalo Bill…

It does so when it’s told again
It puts the lotion on it’s skin
And then when I politely ask it
Puts the lotion in the fucking basket

Gonna wear you like a suit
Skin so fresh and clean
Gonna fit me like a glove
Are you a size fourteen

A little rouge, some lipstick too
Tuck things back just like I do
The wig is scalp, and blonde like honey
The robe is silk, and feels like money

The music blaring in my ears
Like a tune from an old time bard
What’s that you are thinking Precious
I’d fuck me, I’d fuck me hard

Buffalo Bill…

That’s all I ask…

Hold me when I’m joyful
Hold me when I’m blue
Hold me till the end of time
That’s all I ask of you

Kiss me when you have no reason
Kiss me when you do
Kiss me with a passion
That’s all I ask of you

Love me when I’m old and grey
Love me in my youth too
Love me throughout the expanse of time
That’s all I ask of you

Take me as your man in life
Take me for years so few
Take me for everything I am
That’s all I ask of you

That’s all I ask…

Tentacle monster…

I had a dream that I fought a tentacle monster from Japan
Just an evil cephalopod against an ordinary man
I could tell that it was clearly up to no good
Snatching up schoolgirls just as fast as it could
Knowing that tentacle monsters aren’t known for good intentions
I had to find a way to send it back to it’s dimension
Got my katana, from my very brief samurai phase
Swung the thing around, like I was in a daze
Caught a tentacle or two with a lucky whack
But after all of my effort, the damn things grew back
Schoolgirls were screaming from the monster molestation
Kinda hard to think that some dude uses this for masturbation
So I whipped out my hand cannon, my big f’n gun
Whipped off a few shots, but the beast wasn’t done
It whipped me with a tentacle so hard I saw stars
Why couldn’t it just pick up some girls at the bars
I tried in all honesty to reason with the beast
You could try to ask one of these girls out at the least
Maybe take them for a lake side carriage ride
Show them a bit of your more sensitive side
With that the monster sat all the girls down very gentlemanly
He said “I’m sorry ladies for my brutality”
He was was just a monster that had lost all hope
All he ever knew in life was kidnap and grope
He said “My name is Steve, and if it isn’t to late”
“I’d like to ask one of you ladies on a romantic date”
To my surprise a schoolgirl stepped out of the crowd
She exclaimed that he had changed his ways, and should be awful proud
She said that his touch was better than any mans
And that he knew what to do with so many sets of hands
At this point I was at a total loss for words
I couldn’t believe talking worked, or what I just heard
Just a monster and a freaky girl, going out on the town
After that I didn’t want to know what went down
What a tentacle monster does in the privacy of it’s home
Is best left to the imagination, or even better left alone

Tentacle monster…

Words in succession…

Words in succession, ending in rhyme
Is how I like spending the brunt of my time
Connecting letters in rhythmic patterns
Is the action my hobby concerns
Although some like it better when broken and random
Doing it in a pattern is where I find my fandom
A challenging puzzle for the ears and the mind
Is the endeavor I most often find
Myself consumed in for many an hour
The words have a feeling of strength and of power
So I will continue in perpetuity
To do my best, at my most solemn duty

Words in succession…

Discordant…

Wrapped up in a cocoon
I rock myself back and forth
A comforting action
I wish for understanding
A feeling of camaraderie
But there are none just like me
I’m a percent of a percent
Each one in a million
As different as the seasons
So I rock back and forth
To set the world spinning
Around me as the axis
The center of all being
For a moment in time
Peace is so temporary
The world a cacophony
Discordant and harsh
Like a sandpaper tongue
On the nape of your neck

Discordant…